8/10/06 10:00 pm7-14-2002
Sunday, July 14, 2002
Satan, oscillate my metallic sonatas —
Posted by — hotmud @ 09:58 PM EST
The front door slams on a suburban Detroit home….
From the kitchen we hear…
June: Ward honey, I think the Beaver’s home……
It’s The New New “Leave it to Beaver”
Starrring Hugh Beaumont, Barbara Billingsley, Tony Dow, and Marshall Mathers as The Beaver…
The Beav:Yo, what the fuck, why is everything in black and white?
Ward:Theodore! I’ve never heard such foul language out of so small a mouth. Color telvision is way too expensive ($1000 in 1954!) for my accountant’s salary.
The Beav:Yo pops, you best not be frontin’ or I’ll cap yo bitch ass. This can’t be the 1950’s, I wasn’t even born yet. But since this is my show…
The Beav pulls a Nine from his waistband and with a devilish grin proceeds to pistol whip Ward into unconsciousness.
Hearing the commotion June enters from the kitchen…
June:Theodore! What’s going on here?
The Beav:Shut it bitch, and quit calling me Theodore. Everyone knows my name is Slim. And while you’re at it come over here and give me some muthafuckin h*#!&d.
June:My god, I don’t even do that for your father!
The Beav pulls his Nine.
The Beav:It ain’t like freaky shit like this never happens yo. On your knees now!
Not wanting to get shot June reluctantly complies.
Wally enters from upstairs and is conspicously wearing an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt.
Wally:Hey, what’s all the fuss?
The Beav:ICP!, hey fuck you ya dumbass biatch. You better take off that shirt or it’ll be the one you wear in your casket!
Wally:Hey screw you mutherfuckin Slim Weenie, I’m a Juggalo to the core!
Crack! Crack! Wally slumps to the floor in a growing pool of blood.
The Beav:Not anymore.
June starts to gag on The Beav and stops to say…
June:Theodore, now you’ve shot your brother to death. I’m sorry but I’m not sure your father and I can get you out of this kind of trouble. We might have to call the pol….
The Beav:Shut up ho!
The Beav pistol whips June so hard her jaw is fractured and she falls into a bleeding heap next to the now semi conscious Ward. A swift kick to Ward’s kidneys is so painfull he returns to the relative bliss that is unconsciousness.
The Beav:Hey I kinda like this show, even if it is in black and white. I’d watch this show.
A siren is heard in the street outside.
The Beav: Uh oh, looks like it’s time for a commercial!
Cut to Eminem…
Yo, check the real show right here. Turn up those speakers kiddies.
It’s a very dark time in America, a dark time indeed.
And…yes the title of this post is a palindrome.